Therapy! Oh Crap!
by Sotto
Summary: The members of the 4077 end up in group therapy! Watch the group as they try to survive a session with... DUN DUN DUN! A fictional character that is based off my aunt! Gasp
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I know… I'm working on a lot of things at once… I have a half-baked excuse, though! For Animals, I'm working on a nice chapter for BJ. The only problem is that I'm having trouble with the timeline of it… It's supposed to span over a year, and I'm having serious issues with keeping enough information to make it detailed and killing enough to make it less than a full length novel! Seriously, the story in its entirety is ridiculously long. For 101, SERIOUS writer's block! And it stinks 'cause I have a ton of ideas for it! Anyways, this story is one where some random general (let's say Clayton) decides that the 4077 needs therapy. Erm... Let's just say that Sidney isn't in Korea, yet, because I'm gonna use my aunt as the shrink! I've only seen these under other fandoms, but if you've written a MASH therapy story, I'm really sorry if you think I stole your idea! I actually stole it from Kingdom Hearts!**

> > >

Dr. Amy Schneider was a phsychiatrist. A BAD phsychiatrist. Unfortunately, she didn't have Radar's radar, which might have told her to tell General Clayton she was sick, allowing her to miss some session with a MASH unit. She checked her file… 4077… Though, even if she had the radar, it was unlikely that she would ever believe the havoc that would come from this session. The moment she saw the eight people, she knew that this would be a tough case.

"Colonel Blake, I presume?" She asked.

"Yes. This is my second in command, Major Burns." The ferret-ish man saluted. "My head nurse, Major Houlihan." Another salute. "Our camp priest, Father Mulcahy." Salute. "My company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly." Salute. "One of our corpsmen, Corporal Klinger." Curtsy. Wait… Curtsy? Amy blinked twice; there was no mistaking it… A corporal had just CURTSIED her. "My chief surgeon-"

"The wonderful wizard of Oz," Finished one of the only two remaining. "This here's Glinda the Good." He added motioning to his companion. At this, the companion (who had a hair style that resembled a poodle) demanded to know why, out of all of the characters of "The Wizard of Oz", he was Glinda the Good.

"-Captain Pierce. Another surgeon, Captain McIntyre." No salutes (or curtsies) for the duo, who at the moment were trying to find comparisons between the other and Glinda the Good.

"Well, _hellooooo_." Amy said in a sing-song-ish voice. "I just want all of you to know that I do hope that we all will become great friends after this… You already seem like really great people!" Smile. Smile. "I just want you to know that you'll have to trust me in order for us to help one another." Twinkle. Twinkle. "And also… No yelling. I'm hungover. If you yell, you will die." Smile. Twinkle.

Captain McIntyre, who had been paying more attention to her rack than her actual words, clapped. Everyone else, who had been listening, was silent.

"This," Amy motioned to eight chairs, which were set up in a circle. "Is the circle of trust. You must trust each other to join into it! If you don't, you'll go to the fiery pits of hell." She motioned to one chair, which was in the center of the circle. "Everyone, pick a seat!" The member's of the 4077 did so, all terrified of the psychiatrist, except for Trapper, who was (still) fixated on her chest. "Now, We'll start with Colonel Blake and go clockwise around the circle." Henry winced. "He'll state his name, rank, hometown and age!" Smile. Twinkle. "Then, he'll say why he's unhappy with someone." She sat down at her desk. "Not interrupting, or it's off to hell for you! You may begin when you're ready."

"Erm… Hi, folks! I'm you lovable Colonel Henry Blake. I'm from-"

"You're rank, Henry?" Amy asked innocently.

"I just said it."

"Please repeat it."

"Um… Colonel. I'm from Bloomington, Illinois. I'm forty-five."

Dr. Schneider smiled encouragingly.

"Well, folks, my problem is you're always getting me into trouble. I mean… Frank, do you have to file so many reports to and from from the general and getting me into dutch?"

"I'm only doing my duty." The ferret protested.

"NO INTERRUPTING!" Amy leapt to her feet and snarled. "OFF TO HELL WITH YEE!"

Frank sniffled as he took a seat in the center of the circle.

"Frank's gone to hell! Frank's gone to hell!" Hawkeye chanted gleefully.

"YOU! I THOUGHT I SAID NO INTERRUPTING! GO TO HELL!"

Frank stood and was about to reclaim his seat.

"I NEVER SAID YOU WERE FREE!"

> > >

Trapper took his eyes off Amy's breast just long enough to snigger at Hawkeye, who was now seated on Frank's lap.

"If this ever leaves this room, I will kill you all." Hawkeye snarled. Dr. Schneider leapt out of her seat and into the circle in order to backhand Hawkeye.

"NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!"

The surgeon turned to Trapper and mouthed, "Crazy bitch, ain't she?"

Poodle-head grinned. "She's hot. Who cares?" He then busied himself with attempting to see up the crazy bitch's skirt.

"Continue, Henry." Amy, who had returned to her seat, was now completely happy and smiley again. Twinkle.

"Erm… Anyways, the same can go for you, Margaret? It's not fair! The general's like you more because you're having sex with them!"

"THAT'S A LIE!" Margaret sprung to her feet.

"I SAID NO YELLING!" Amy roared in anger. "SIT ON HIS LAP!" She screeched, pointing at Hawkeye. He looked as happy as a kid at Christmas.

> > >

"Continue, Henry." Hell now was three people and a chair high. Frank's legs were hurting from holding two people's weight, Hawkeye was grinning and thoroughly enjoying having Hot Lips Houlihan on his lap and Margaret looked rather nervous at being so high up.

"Well, Hawkeye and Trapper: Do you guys HAVE to run through Tokyo naked everytime you have R and R? Do you have to tap dance in the middle of medical lectures?"

"You may answer the question, now." Smile. Twinkle.

"Of course!" Hawkeye answered earnestly. Trapper was still attempting to see up Amy's skirt, so he didn't answer.

"Captain McIntyre? Captain McIntyre? CAPTAIN MCINTYRE!" Trapper bolted up in his seat at her screech. "GO TO HELL!"

"Um… Excuse me, ma'am, but there's gonna be too many people…"

"YOU GO TO HELL, TOO, CORPORAL O'REILLY!"

Frank whimpered as two… Er… One and a half more people were added onto his legs. Luckily for him, Radar's radar was right, so he didn't have to hold them much longer.

_**CRASH!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I'd like to say before I go any further with this story a little in my aunt's defense. She is my favorite adult and an older version of me, which is very weird, considering the fact I see her about once a year. She's a very successful person, having gone to college in Spain, become a well known salsa dancer and a psychology professor at a college. This is a huge exaggeration of her, and I'd appreciate it if no one called her "the crazy bitch from Sotto's story"… Heck, I didn't even use her real name for this!**

**Sorry that I wasted time with this, but I really didn't want to go any further without explaining myself. Also, she threatened to send me to hell if I didn't:)**

> > >

"I hope you're happy you… you… HELL RUINERS!" Dr. Amy Schneider looked on the verge of tears. "For ten years hell hasn't failed once! BUT YOU ALL HAD TO INTERRUPT! DIDN'T YOU?" At this point, she actually started sobbing, making everyone in the room (with the exclusion of Trapper, who was comforting her in hopes of getting a date and Father Mulcahy, who was kindly trying to ignore the fact that this woman was an advocate of hell) snigger behind a hand.

"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" She screamed. The crazy bitch leapt out of Trapper's arms and launched herself across the room, knocking over the priest and Radar in the process. She went into a cupboard, took out a five pound candy bar and proceeded to stuff her face with it. Even Trapper started sniggering.

"STOP LAUGHING! I'M A COMPULSIVE EATER! YOU DON'T LAUGH AT PAIN!" She took an unnaturally large bite of candy.

"Gee, ma'am. I'm really sorry! I didn't know! Maybe you oughta see a psychiatrist." Radar suggested, feeling genuinely guilty.

Unfortunately, his comment caused Hawkeye to burst into laughter. He laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face as he rolled around on the ground. This caused Amy to beat them both with Jerry the Stick's grandfather.

> > >

About an hour, many tears, much pain and one threat to sue Amy for assault, everyone was seated again. Radar and Hawkeye held icepacks on various places of their bodies. The former sniffled a little while the latter glowered in contempt. Neither had taken kindly to being beaten senseless with a stick.

"Alright, everyone! Now, since you have all destroyed hell, we're going to have to use a new punishment!" Amy, having eaten two five-pound candy bars and six cans of chocolate frosting, was all smiley and twinkley again. The members of the 4077 were thrilled. "The new punishment is having to write a one-hundred word essay on why whoever you wronged is better than you!"

Hawkeye bit back a question about what he would write if he wronged Frank. He wasn't too keen on Amy getting the stick out again.

"Now, we're going to restart with the Father, because the rest of you destroyed hell. Since he's an advocate of it, he was innocent in the whole matter."

"Actually, I'm an advocate of heaven. I try to keep people away from-" The priest and his chair disappeared from the story because Sotto got p'oed with his annoying voice.

"Go ahead, Major Burns!" Amy smiled, deciding to pretend that a priest hadn't just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Frank stood. "I'm Major Franklin Marion Burns. I'm proud to be a major in this man's army! I'm from Fort Wayne, Indiana. My problem is," He pointed menacingly at Hawkeye and Trapper, the former whistling innocently and the latter still ogling over Amy. "Those two."

"What's wrong with them, Frank?" The woman asked patronizingly.

"'WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM'? One of them is staring at you in inappropriate ways and the other you've already had to smack once and beat with a stick!"

"I SAID 'NO YELLING'!" Amy snapped, "I MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I HAVE A HANGOVER AND DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YELLING! DAMMIT! YOU JUST MADE ME GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE!" She started eating a candy bar. "GO! WRITE **_THREE_** ESSAYS! ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR CAPTAIN PIERCE AND ONE FOR CAPTAIN MCINTYRE!"

"But I'm better than them." Frank pouted.

"WRITE!" Amy snarled, making Frank cower.

"Yes, ma'am." He took a paper and pen off her desk.

> > >

"Captain McIntyre is a better person than me because he is really really smart. He somehow managed to get everyone in camp twisted around his finger." Henry sat up and glared at Trapper upon hearing this sentence. "He also does save a lot of lives so some people might think he's a better doctor than me even though he isn't he's just a show off and it isn't fair that no one respects me and I'm all sad because my wife hates me and everyone hates me and everyone laughs at me and this is a really long sentence that really rambles and I'm still sad why don't you like me I'm a cool guy if you get to know me but no one does. That is why he's a better person than me."

"Erm… That was… Interesting…" Amy was finding it hard to resist the urge to scream 'Die illiterate bastard', but she suppressed it with another bite of candy. "Please continue."

"Dr. Amy Schneider is a better person than me because she is really nice. She really likes to help people, though I do help people but people have to help themselves so really she isn't helping people but she tries. She also is really pretty, but my mom says I'm really pretty too so I must be prettier than her, not that I want to be pretty only girls are pretty so why my mom calls me pretty I don't know but Dr. Amy Schneider still is really pretty. In conclusion, Dr. Amy Schneider is a better person than me even though she isn't I'm just saying that I have a thirty five thousand dollar house and too cars so I'm better than you all. Haha."

Amy smacked him for daring to call himself better than her. "Please continue with your last essay."

"Actually, I couldn't think of anything nice to say about **_him_**, so I just wrote a poem about how great the army is."

Hawkeye started mock sobbing, earning himself a bitch slap from the psychiatrist.

"Do read it, Frank." Amy smiled encouragingly.

"The army is really cool,

Too cool for school,

The army is really cool,

Enlisted drool,

The army is really cool."

Everyone in the room was silent after hearing Frank's poetry which was… Interesting, to say the least. The silence only lasted a second before everyone burst out laughing, except for Frank, who felt really dejected and Amy, who's lower eyelid was twitched as she stuffed her face with chocolate.

> > >

**AN: Alright! Please excuse Frank's writing… It nearly killed me writing in such a manner. I think I've single-handedly destroyed poetry. To the reviewers:**

**Highmaintenance: Yay! I was worried that I was getting too stupid and that I would get flamed! My work is school, which just ended yesterday which explains my slap happiness!**

**Kooshball: This will go on for at least eight chapters… One for each of the MASH characters (excluding Father Mulcahy for obvious reasons) and one for the… Erm… Aftermath… Yes, my aunt is rather entertaining, isn't she! I actually live in Maryland… Yes, I did notice that we're always on at the same time… That's not that weird, actually, considering the fact that I hever get off!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Remember to leave another one!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Sorry for the delay, folks! I've been really busy. I'm sorry about Trapper in this chapter… He's a bit… Erm… Freaky…**

> > >

"Now… You people are insane. Totally and utterly insane."

"Why else would we see a shrink?"

"SHADDUP!" Amy slapped Klinger for daring to comment. "It is apparent that you all despise each other…"

"Not true! I only despise Frank!" Hawkeye protested. Frank became full of angst at this comment.

He received another smack for contradicting her.

"Since you all hate each other so much, we're going to try a nice little exercise. You're going learn to salsa!"

Everyone in the room gaped at her in badly concealed terror.

"Now I need two victims- I mean volunteers." She managed to combine her smile and twinkle into one terrifying expression.

Frank raised his hand, because, in the wise words of Henry Blake, "Frank volunteers for everything. If we had a firing squad, he would volunteer to be in charge of it… Or in front of it... Or both…" He didn't actually know what salsa was, besides the Mexican sauce that goes so well with chips. Actually, that thought nearly discouraged him, considering that he hates the Mexicans, yet he decided that acting un-racist would perhaps take away his angst.

"Good, Frank!" Amy beamed. "Captain Pierce… How about-"

"No." Hawkeye gave her a glare that scared her senseless. Yes, the crazy bitch was scared. Hell had frozen over. Pigs were flying. Margaret was teaching Hawkeye the art of nude horseback riding. Okay… So the last one could have happened, but you get the point.

"Erm… How about you, Captain McIntyre?"

"Huh?" Trapper bolted out of a very weird erotic fantasy involving Amy, mayonnaise, a dog, Charlie Chaplin, a lawnmower and (as a gift to slashers) Hawkeye. I won't bother to tell you about it mainly because it would up the rating to M and it would mentally scar us all. Hell, It would probably cause Radar (we all know he's reading this) to remain a virgin for the rest of his pathetic life.

"Please? For me?" Amy's grin disappeared to be replaced by a cute pout.

"For you, anything!" Trapper didn't know exactly what he was agreeing to, but he was eager to make his sick fantasy a reality. "You'll just have to repay me later…" He added suggestively. Hmmm… Maybe Radar knew a Charlie Chaplin impression…

The fink and finkette gasped at Trapper's blatant flirting.

Henry, Radar, Klinger and Hawkeye just sniggered at what the doctor had gotten himself into.

Amy missed it entirely, of course.

"Thanks!" Amy turned on a jute box, which had appeared in the office due to the magical powers of fanfiction. Distinctly Spanish music filled the room.

"Now, I'll show you two a few basic steps, but after that, you guys will have to feel your way. Frank, Trapper, stand in the center of the circle. It's salsa time."

Amy smiled, happy to share her salsa knowledge with others.

Frank gasped, realizing that he would have to dance with Trapper.

Trapper gasped, realizing that he would have to dance with Frank.

Everyone else laughed their asses off.

> > >

After a rather painful dance sequence, which I will not speak of because I run for the hills whenever my aunt tries to teach me salsa, Frank and Trapper were seated. The dance had begun with a huge argument about who would lead and ended with a "stomping on feet" war. Needless to say, Amy was eating chocolate.

"Corporal O'Reilly, why don't you tell us about yourself?"

"I'm Walter O'Reilly, but only Ma calls me that… Everyone else calls me Radar. I'm a corporal… Um… I'm from Ottumwa, Iowa… What's next?"

Amy's lower eyelid twitched. "Your problem, Radar?"

"Everyone calls me short. Happy, my rabbit, says I'm very tall."

"Erm… He talks to his rabbit?" Hawkeye hissed to Henry.

"They're in a fight, right now. Apparently Happy doesn't like Radar watching when he fools around with Polly." Henry replied. Amy slapped them both for interrupting.

"Well… I hate to break it to you and Happy, but you're short." Amy did the very scary smile and twinkle again.

"I am not!"

"GET OUT OF DENIAL!" She slapped Radar, causing the little corporal to sniff back tears.

"Child abuse." Hawkeye muttered to Trapper.

"NO ACCUSING!" There was a resounding crack as Amy tapped the chief surgeon smartly with her stick. Hawkeye glared at her again, causing her to take a rather large step away from him.

"I'M NOT SHORT!" Radar began to throw a hissy-fit. "I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT! YOU'RE ALL JUST REALLY TALL! NO! I'M TALLER THAN YOU ALL! HA! NOW YOU'RE ALL SHORT!" He stood on his chair which, sadly, only put him at eye level with the rest of the 4077.

"Radar… Lot's of successful people were short-" Amy tried.

"THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO ME!" He screamed back.

"-like Hitler!"

"I'M NOT- Wait… Hitler?" Radar stopped ranting long enough to be confused.

"Yes… Because we all want to become a Nazi…" Hawkeye raised one eyebrow. "You do realize he lost the war… Right?"

"SHADDUP!" She was about to hit him again, but he glared at her. "…Please?"

"NAZIS!" Frank now started on a Nazi rant. "UNAMERICAN-"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME UNAMERICAN? SO WHAT IF I ONLY DATE LATINOS!" Amy screeched.

"Only date Latinos?" Trapper was very hurt by this comment and started sniffling.

"I'M NOT SHORT!"

"YOU'RE UNAMERICAN!"

"YOU'RE A BABY!"

"YOU CAN TEACH ME TO SALSA MORE!"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…"

"YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION!"

"STOP INSULTING THE MAJOR!"

"DAMMIT! MY STOCKINGS DON'T MATCH!"

"I'M NOT! HAPPY SAYS!" Stomp.

"I'M NOT A BABY!" Sniffle.

"CRY BABY!" Eat.

"SEE! I'LL WORK ON MY DANCING!" Salsa dance.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…" Snore.

"SHUT UP, BABY!" Wink.

"STOP SWEET-TALKING ME!" Glare.

"I NEED A MIRROR TO CHECK MY MAKEUP!" Re-apply.

> > >

**AN: Sorry about the delay. I need a little help on Animals… I just had another idea for Margaret, and since it's the only one I can use at the moment, do you want me to write it? Also, I have two ideas for Hawkeye… The first one I think is a better one, but it involves him going out of character. The second one is a good idea, but it connects much less on an obvious scale and more on a metaphorical scale… If you don't know what I'm talking about… Well… Then read my other stories:) Also, I will be doing a one shot commemorating the beginning of the war. Just a little something to look forward to! Also, I'm sorry about all the quotes at the end. I know it's hard to read... I just love writing that way! If you haven't figured it out, the order is Radar, Ferret Face, Amy, Trapper, Henry, Hawkeye, Hot Lips and Klinger. I'm officially po'ed... I've had this chapter written since the 19th... Stupid document manager... **

**Edit Gah! I used WAY too many "also"s in that paragraph...**

**Kooshball: No referred to her that way, but I still felt like I ought to put that note in… I actually had it written up before anyone reviewed for the first chapter! I really have to thank you for calling Frank an emo… It inspired me to go on and look it up… Hilarious! And yay! You hate them, too! Too much self pity… 0.o… I hate Father Mulcahy because… I don't know… I just do… I LOVE him in the book and movie, but in the show he's creepy-a-fied…**

**Highmainenance: (Puts booze on Edgar Allen Poe's grave) That ought to calm him down! Finally! Someone who isn't a member of the Father Mulcahy fanclub… It seems like everyone loves him… It's CREEPY! Poor soul… I pity you for having to remain in school…**

**Destiny Dreamer 2: Ah yes… I had nightmares ever since I wrote it… Klinger's gonna be good (hopefully)! I can very easily see him practicing ballet on Amy's desk… Mwahaha…**

**Anutheal: First one? I hope I haven't permanently scared you away from them! I like angst, too, yet whenever I write it, I end up going over the top… Trust me, I love criticism! As far as I'm concerned, if I can't take criticism, how am I supposed to get better? I'll try to remember about "anyway".**

**Christine Ruud: At least. I'll probably go overboard, though… It's rather fun to come up with psychiatry exercises!**

**Celticmaggie: Ahh, yes... I'm sure she enjoyed it... Who wouldn't? ;)**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Leave another one, or I'll get my aunt to hunt you down!**


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